I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
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PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
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