I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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