Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Randomize
