In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
What happened to fro yo and sex?
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
