Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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