Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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