JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
