between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
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Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
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Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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