just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
