he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
