I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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