tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
