I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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