I didn't shave. On purpose
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Randomize
