Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
You were trust falling into bushes
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
