just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
All I want is dick and wine.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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