I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
