We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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