I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
