chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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