Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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