I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Randomize
