You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
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