capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
