Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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