my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
