This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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