every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
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I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
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I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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