Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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