remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
