I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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