You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
