Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
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