i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
