Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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