he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Randomize
