is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
