My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
