in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
