I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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