with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
