my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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