This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
