I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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