Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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