So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
