A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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