someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
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