Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
