Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
