Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
