i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
