On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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