Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
