I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
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