i just snorted my name. best moment ever
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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