Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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