He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Randomize
