she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
