Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
